London's burning with boredom now, London's burning, dial 999. . .

Tottenham in cinders, Croydon a "war zone," buses set alight in Peckham, riots in Hackney, looting in Clapham, windows smashed in Ealing, bins on fire in Lewisham. Home secretary Theresa May returned from holiday early and convened a press conference to declare the disturbances "totally unacceptable." Thanks for clearing that up, Madam Secretary.

Everybody's sitting round watching television.